Excerpt Of My Life
by IOnceLovedHer2
Summary: based on a true story but written in AU


Excerpt of my life (a letter to you)

It's been a whole year that I know you and of that year we parted six months ago. You know what is the saddest part of not knowing why all these things came tumbling down is how someone could open your heart up and tell you, you did the exact same thing to them. Telling you all these things about how you part of her family, how she would love you for the rest of your life no matter what happens. All the promises we shared all ruined just like that. Its like you came with a lot of bullshit, ruining my life like you had. Making me fall for you so easily, knowing I had someone, you still went on pursuing me, knowing I could never say no to you. You just knew my weakness like you have examine me. I can't stand you. I can't stand knowing our past and seeing you leave. It never has. The note read as this. Sometimes I wish I could take half of everything I have shared with you back. This isn't how it supposes to end. If I could write a better ending. It just doesn't fit at all. I don't know what to do now? You're in there, in the back of my mind. A thought I keep suppressing. Won't let myself think of you. I hate when I have been for hours but haven't noticed. Get over you. Hardest task I am currently facing. I can't deal with all these memories of you, all the words that were spoken, uttering with comfort from your lips. The fact you could comfort me from my nightmares. You know I had a nightmare once you died, that I was calling you in this dark house out in nowhere I should have known then we wouldn't make it. Your voice was soothing but also torturing with pain. Tears shed from the heartbreak we both course. Get over you. Hardest task. I try not to think about it. I walk around forcing you out my heart and out my vision. I can close my eyes and you appear standing there with that once upon a time glow you had. That smiles. That face. When I look at you now and I cant seem to look at you. Its like I don't know you at all.

Maybe once upon a time before you accused me of playing you. How could I play you if you always knew I had someone, why didn't you keep your mouth about your feelings why couldn't you yourself stop what has been going on between us. You a grown up couldn't you think. Oh I forgot you let people talk for you how you should feel. I knew I deserved better then you. But yet I still loved you.

Do you hate how you can turn up music, but it doesn't make them go away? You're walking by crowds, welled with emotion. But there's only silence to them when you walk by. Sometimes I wish they could hear what I am. I feel helpless you know, like a message board gone wrong. I cant summarize a feeling properly. I can't make you believe whats really there. You once said I was the strongest person you've known, that you like how I handle things, that I don't take shit from people and I move on once I have shaken myself from the things I go through, but this its different somehow I don't know how to deal with the lost. These notes seem pointless from me to you. I'm trying to reach into your heart, but I found a lock on it, I lost the key. I can't pry it open, can't break it. I use to have the key, I lost it. I have been retracing my steps, trying to find it on some dusty path. Sometimes I think I found it, but it proves to be a fake. I stare into the mirror at night; I still don't know the person starring back. Will I ever? Distressed, I look a way. Like everyone else. At night I have to stop the thoughts. I've never been so focused on the future scared to look at the past, for fear I might never be able to look away again. That is why I had to put all your stuff away. The more I keep seeing it, the longer it kept me back. No more emotional drowning for me. I want to save what is left of myself. I haven't cried a day since we last spoke. I can't even remember what was said, are how you sounded. I can't find a reason too. I cry you say "goodbye" I stop. I said goodbye. And you still say goodbye. I can't fight it. So they are now just a part of me, with you. I wrote a poem.

I saw her in the mirror

That stood across the room

I saw her and I looked away

Did I look away to soon?

Others walked by, but I remained

Stood still afraid to look afraid to move

Moments passed minutes seemed to lapse

And I stood holding ground true

People tried to talk to me; I wouldn't look them in the eyes

Scared I'd see her again, all my feelings compromised

I looked up with quick courage, glanced back across the room

There the mirror stood, no image of you

My eyes darted desperately into the crowd

I listened for your voice, but the room stayed too loud

I found myself questioning

I found myself alone, in that crowded room

Though I made every effort to seem not to

My heart chilled

Pulse slowed

I would have been okay

But there's just one thing I'll remember for the rest of my life, for everyday

I saw her in the mirror

Standing there, that girl I one knew

I saw her standing there

And I saw she saw me too

I felt those eyes like arrows across my heart

And I saw her look down

And I saw the frown

And I saw her lips part

It was just a moment

It was just a glance

But I saw the words form

I saw them fall

I couldn't ignore what I saw

It was….

"Goodbye"

Was that all she said

Or did I look away too soon?

I still cant seem to write what I feel the right away, I go in circles over and over, I keep up with the what ifs in life. If I only, if we only things like that. I don't understand goodbye. You say goodbye with a bang you know how, you met someone and all the things we once were gone forever. Forever is a word I hope you never share with anyone else in this life. Because you have no idea what it really means. You walk away like it meant nothing or maybe something I don't know. I don't know how to warp around this; I don't know how to face my life every day. But I do it, I do it so gracefully, you wouldn't even know that im dying deep down cause you aren't there. You just a person in this world. I sometimes wana call you up, but what do you say, what do you do, when its "over". You could walk away, you could stay in the shadows off course, and my path is blurred.

Everything deep inside screams for you screams for you to touch me, for you to say the words I feel sometimes I'll die if I don't hear. And I have to suppress it. Bane of my existence, it kills me that it was on me. It kills me I said words I didn't mean, kills me that I was in control of the outcome.

Don't tell me you'd be okay if someone did this to you. You keep pushing that thought of me away, so you wont get hurt. You want that one part in it, the part you've been trying to find, cause you know its in there, you saw it once, and you cant all the way convince yourself that it was a lie. That could rip you apart on small levels. Because you wont let it really get in. there's a wall across your eyes. There's a lock across your heart. Is there anywhere I can get in. nope. You closed yourself off pretty damn good. Im the plague at your doorsteps. Im the memories you cant all the way let go of. I'm that promise you once so badly believed in. Feel these words. Feel the depth. Feel that someone you wouldn't waste your time on couldn't write the way I do. This is everything I feel, I feel like you need to stop coming into my head. I work so hard at it telling myself I don't care shit about you, that you weren't good enough for me. I am writing this letter but you will never get to read it cause this is part of my ritual on how I am going to let go. I need to let your memory die. I need to get rid of your memories your name everything there is to us. Our love was something that couldn't be explained to anyone else. I need you to forget I existed, that we never cross each other's paths. Cause I know I am still on your mind, there is no way possible how she can completely erase me from your memory and heart. It would always be there. Its time for me to say goodbye, its time for me to let go of this pain. I cant no longer handle it.

ASHLEY DAVIES from today and for the next days following I would try and work on slowly to remove you from my mind. From my heart. We are strangers right now.

This was always between us. But now it's the end. Fare well. You know I can't ever stand your face of ever want to meet you in this life. Goodbye to all the memories.

Spencer Carlin

23 September 2010


End file.
